I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
