; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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