My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
