Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
