I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
