guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize