He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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