youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
