I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
