Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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