I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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