i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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