I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
