mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
