atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
