I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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