Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
