you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
