Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
