i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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