omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
