You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
