Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
