When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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