and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize