I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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