I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i believe in u and ur pee
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
