I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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