Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just had sex on a roof
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
