I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You made out with two different species that night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Randomize
