and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
