Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
