I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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