Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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