I just pynch a tree in the face
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
