took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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