I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
