Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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