Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
