I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
