Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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