Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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