She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She bit a glass in half.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize