Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
