My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jerry, you need to find god
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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