I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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