Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
