I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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