I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
