you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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