I think I am morally bankrupt
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
