seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
